Dear Friends,
Recently I was speaking to a woman about why "bad" things happen to people. I said that the world revolves around karma. If you have done good, good will come to you. If you have done bad, bad will come to you. Her voice started to rise. "Well, what about the girl who is put into a prostitution situation when she is very young. Do you believe she deserves it?" "Well," I said, "in this case it would be best to bring compassion to the situation." "But you believe in karma," she said. "I'm not interested in arguing about it. In this situation, it would be nice to bring compassion and let go of the karma idea right now."
I found the feeling of insecurity and fear coming up in my being. I wanted her approval and found that I was striving to get that approval the entire time I was visiting her. Even just a warm nod or the word "yes." Approval would somehow fill a void inside that said, "Maybe I'm wrong and I don't know what I'm talking about. I really want to hear approval from the outside world. Then I'll be whole and complete. If she likes me, I can like myself." Why did I want to convince her? Because I want to feel right. I want agreement. Then it would alleviate the feeling inside that says, "I'm wrong. I'm scared if others discover that."
I also fear "attack." If someone reprimands me for what I've said, I feel like I've been a "bad boy." So I spend time always trying to appease the one who does not approve. I never talk back. In fact, my being usually shuts down and shirks in the face of "attack."
I am very happy to meet this woman. If I surrounded myself with people who always agreed with what I said, these deeper feelings of insecurity and fear would never come to the surface to release. So she became the key to unlock a deeper part of the mind that I would need to see sooner or later.
Oh Lord, please bring these challenges to me so that I may face my fears and insecurities. Otherwise, I will not be able to see You clearly. Oh Lord, I am ready to face my deepest darkness. Thank you for your Grace.
With love,
Brian
Friday, September 20, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Bowing in humility
Dear Friends,
Yesterday Uncle Ted, Aunt Madolyn, cousin Lizzie, and I picked apples from the trees in an orchard. Many of the trees bowed low to give the fruit. This is the spirit of Mother Earth. Humbly she bows in service to the humans and gives in abundance. That is why some people worship Her. She is the one who provides everything that the body is made of. How can we give back to Her? She has given so much.
In the even, I traveled 2 hours north to Port Huron with Kailash, Krishnamoyi, and Atmaram to hold a kirtan at a retreat. I was planning to watch, but Atmaram asked me to sit with them and lead 2 songs. That was a surprise, and I was very happy to serve. The Energy was beautiful, and the people were so appreciative of the event.
As we headed back, we were eating the apples that had been picked that morning. Aunt Madolyn had suggested I bring some of this delightful fruit. Atmaram explained the benefits of sharing kirtan - chanting of the Holy Names of God. Ask others to join in the music and practice together. Each person who joins in the practice becomes a servant of the Lord and also has the opportunity to immerse him or herself into the Energy. Then the music is not so much focused on a one person performance, but rather a community coming together to share in the Communion. Yes, each person is an aspect of the Divine. No one is higher or lower. The mind believes in separation.
There is only One Being...infinite...whole...complete... Thank you, Swamiji!
With love,
Brian
Yesterday Uncle Ted, Aunt Madolyn, cousin Lizzie, and I picked apples from the trees in an orchard. Many of the trees bowed low to give the fruit. This is the spirit of Mother Earth. Humbly she bows in service to the humans and gives in abundance. That is why some people worship Her. She is the one who provides everything that the body is made of. How can we give back to Her? She has given so much.
In the even, I traveled 2 hours north to Port Huron with Kailash, Krishnamoyi, and Atmaram to hold a kirtan at a retreat. I was planning to watch, but Atmaram asked me to sit with them and lead 2 songs. That was a surprise, and I was very happy to serve. The Energy was beautiful, and the people were so appreciative of the event.
As we headed back, we were eating the apples that had been picked that morning. Aunt Madolyn had suggested I bring some of this delightful fruit. Atmaram explained the benefits of sharing kirtan - chanting of the Holy Names of God. Ask others to join in the music and practice together. Each person who joins in the practice becomes a servant of the Lord and also has the opportunity to immerse him or herself into the Energy. Then the music is not so much focused on a one person performance, but rather a community coming together to share in the Communion. Yes, each person is an aspect of the Divine. No one is higher or lower. The mind believes in separation.
There is only One Being...infinite...whole...complete... Thank you, Swamiji!
With love,
Brian
Monday, September 9, 2013
The panic button
Dear Friends,
Two nights ago, I arrived at my uncle's and aunt's home very early in the morning. Uncle Ted had promised open the door after I had rung the doorbell. So I brought my bags up to the front door and rang the bell. No one came. No lights. Just silence. I pressed the button again and used the knocker. No response. Wondering and waiting for a while, I walked back to the van and fell asleep inside.
Then waking up, I went to the front door again and rang the bell. No response. Going back to the van, I crawled inside and accidentally pressed the Panic button on the keyring. The van started to honk loudly and repeatedly in the dead of the night. I dropped the key in the darkness and started to grope on the floor. Finally, I pressed the button again and the sound stopped. I froze on the floor of the car, wondering if anyone would come out to see what was happening. I remember the last time I was here a year ago. A neighbor was suspicious of a person in black hoodie doing yoga on the grass in the backyard and had called my uncle to report the suspicious activity. Now I was afraid... "not again." Here is the blog from a year ago: http://wanderfortruth.blogspot.com/2012/09/yogi-in-black-hoodie.html
So I crouched for a while between the seats, watching for neighbors' shadows in the dark and listening for the sound of police sirens. No one appeared. So I crawled to the back and lay in bed until my uncle finally came out to get me. It was 3am. He had been in a deep sleep and had not heard a sound of the drama that had unfolded outside his door.
Someone in my being, I have a strong fear of being embarrassed or humiliated. Why? Well, when I was young, I went through the same sorts of events and they made a deep impression on the psyche. Perhaps it is good to be embarrassed once a while...to find out, "What am I scared of?"
With love,
Brian
Two nights ago, I arrived at my uncle's and aunt's home very early in the morning. Uncle Ted had promised open the door after I had rung the doorbell. So I brought my bags up to the front door and rang the bell. No one came. No lights. Just silence. I pressed the button again and used the knocker. No response. Wondering and waiting for a while, I walked back to the van and fell asleep inside.
Then waking up, I went to the front door again and rang the bell. No response. Going back to the van, I crawled inside and accidentally pressed the Panic button on the keyring. The van started to honk loudly and repeatedly in the dead of the night. I dropped the key in the darkness and started to grope on the floor. Finally, I pressed the button again and the sound stopped. I froze on the floor of the car, wondering if anyone would come out to see what was happening. I remember the last time I was here a year ago. A neighbor was suspicious of a person in black hoodie doing yoga on the grass in the backyard and had called my uncle to report the suspicious activity. Now I was afraid... "not again." Here is the blog from a year ago: http://wanderfortruth.blogspot.com/2012/09/yogi-in-black-hoodie.html
So I crouched for a while between the seats, watching for neighbors' shadows in the dark and listening for the sound of police sirens. No one appeared. So I crawled to the back and lay in bed until my uncle finally came out to get me. It was 3am. He had been in a deep sleep and had not heard a sound of the drama that had unfolded outside his door.
Someone in my being, I have a strong fear of being embarrassed or humiliated. Why? Well, when I was young, I went through the same sorts of events and they made a deep impression on the psyche. Perhaps it is good to be embarrassed once a while...to find out, "What am I scared of?"
With love,
Brian
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